Ahhh, Sunny California.

Ya know, I’ve been back and forth between here and Missouri so many times over the years, but I’d almost forgotten just how beautiful this state really is.

 

And how fucking HOT it gets.

 

Seth and I arrived here in Fresno, California after a 2700 mile drive from Kansas City, Missouri.  And in this post, I will try to include as many of the precious moments as there were…because EVERYONE seems to be asking.

 

First things’ first…Kansas is quite possibly THE most boring state to drive through.  They should sell Red Bull at roadside stands every mile, just to keep people from getting the urge to doze off and ram their vehicles into a fence post…you know…just for something to do.  About the only exciting thing that happened during that 450 mile stretch (Kansas City to Wichita – Wichita to Liberal) was when a large June Bug smashed into the windshield and the splatter pattern resembled a run-over rabbit.

 

We drove non-stop (except for gas fill-up’s) from KC to Albuquerque, NM, where we stayed overnight at a local Motel 6.  Or as I called it…a Motel Sucks!!!  I mean c’mon…I can deal with no mints on the pillows or turn-down service, but not even so much as a dwarf-sized coffee maker that only makes a thimble of coffee??  They really took the “no frills” part to the extreme.  The parking for a long pick up hauling a UHaul trailer was a frigging nightmare…as was any reason we had to back the fucking trailer up.  (more on that later)  But we made it all that way in 12 hours…so not too shabby.

 

The next morning we got up, showered and then drove on.  Not even so much as a continental breakfast of fizzy orange juice and a stale bagel.

 

An interesting side note…one of the kitchy places we stopped to get gas was this large truck stop with a gigantic statue of an Indian and thirty foot arrows planted in the ground.  From one angle, the Indian looked VERY, um, “gigantic”.  We took that picture, just because it was pretty damed funny.  I called that one Big Chief Canyon Maker.  Yowza!!!

 

 

 

 

So we drove on the rest of the way through New Mexico and into Arizona.

 

I’d promised Seth I’d take him to see the Grand Canyon (or, as we’ve come to refer to it as Earth’s Vagina).  Due to the unusually slow traffic, what should have been a 45-minute drive took about 1 ½ hours.  As we pull into the gate to pay for our visit, the OGM (Obviously Gay Male) ranger told us we’d have to park in the area marked for vehicles hauling trailers.  How Rosa Parks can they get??  He told us to just drive up and take the first left we came to, turn in and follow it around to the designated parking lot.  Easy enough, huh?  Except for the fact that the very “first left” we took was actually an unpaved service road for official park vehicles only and it was CLOSED!!  This meant that we had to back the fucking trailer out of there – no room to turn around – and that meant backing it out onto the busy highway.

 

Yeah, I cussed like a sailor, mostly because I SUCK at backing up with a trailer!!!  After what seemed like a dozen tries, we managed to get it right and off we went to park wherever the fuck we wanted!!!  To hell with that sissy mary at the gate!!!

 

We got some great shots of the usual poses at the usual perches and outcroppings.  We didn’t go on to see-through observation deck because it was farther South on the canyon and it’s not even owned by nor part of the park anyway.  Plus $50 per person just to walk out onto that thing?  I’d rather jump off one of the free cliffs.

    

We stayed there for an hour or so, hiked about a mile or two and then decided we’d seen enough of the huge hole.

 

So we got back in the truck, drove out of the park (yelling to the princess at the gate, “Thee you on the thee thaw, Thindy!!”) and made the 1 ½ hour drive back down to the interstate to continue our drive westward.

 

One of the fun things along the miles was watching Seth taking pictures of damned near everything.  “Ooh a yucca!!”  Click.  “Yeah, a mountain.”  Click.  “Weee!!  Another yucca!!!”  Clickitty click click click.  He was like a puppy dog with his head out the window.  Funny thing is, most of the pictures he took were through the windshield.  So there are plenty of pictures of mountains with the carcasses of a thousand dead insects in the foreground.

 

As we drove on through the desert, Seth was suffering greatly from what he refers to as “Swamp Ass”.  I guess with a perky bulbous little onion like his, even a little hair in the crack can amplify the desert heat down there to uncomfy levels.  So, he did the only thing those with a J-Lo ass like his CAN do…he dropped trou and hung his ass out the window.  Fortunately there weren’t any cars passing on that side of us, but I think he’s made quite a few new trucker friends to invite to his next Emily Post meeting.

Finally, we arrive at the Arizona-California border.  Now for those who’ve not made this drive before, there are a few things to keep in mind when crossing into California.  You’re not allowed to bring in ANY kinds of live plants or any fruits or vegetables.  Mostly because this is an agricultural state that can be very susceptible to blight or infestation.  Makes sense.  As we pull up, a border agent who looked like Father Time asked me to step out and open the trailer.  He saw nothing suspicious, said I could go ahead and close it up and then asked if I had any fruit in the vehicle.  Naturally I couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him that I had a HUGE fruit in the passenger seat next to me.  Apparently he’s heard this tired line a zillion times, because his only response was, “Uh huh.”  Thanks you old geezer…piss on me for trying to lighten your boring fucking day!!

 

As I got back into the truck, Seth pointed out a sign that was posted in one of the agent’s windows:

My first question when I saw this little gem was, “What the fuck?”  Then I started yelling, “Damn you Richard Gere!!  You’ve ruined it for ALL of us!!  You Bastard!!!

 

 

Anyways, Richard Gere’s wildlife experimentation aside, we toddled onward.

 

Oh, did I mention that you have to drive through an assload of mountains once you get into California?  Well, ya do. 

But for that, and the rest of the story of what’s happened since we arrived, I’m going to let Seth tell you all THAT.

(to be continued by Seth) 

Posted on June 10th, 2008 by Daniel
Filed under: Our Writings, Just For Fun, News